There's No Crying in PR

...unless it's the end of the day, you're back in your apartment and alone.

I guess this deserves some explanation.

Friday afternoon was like any other Friday afternoon in the office. Everyone was at their desk, fingers dancing across their keyboard to get what needed to be drafted, delivered and finalized out of their inbox and off of their to-do list to make it out of the office by four o'clock. Four o'clock Fridays were drawing to an end and with only two (including that particular Friday) left, it was a dream to get out as close to four as possible.

So why the tears, you ask?

Well, I had a review that afternoon; and I look forward to reviews like a bug looks forward to the windshield of a car.

Holding back tears while being told I need to "work on my confidence," "be careful about being too creative" and really trying to "own things," I couldn't help but get pulled back to my time in New York.  My family and friends will tell you I was not a happy camper in the big apple. I wasn't even close. I use strong words like "hate" and "disgust" to plainly allude to feelings that have only left a reminisce of my self-esteem in the working world. I had been bent and broken. I had been burned and shredded. Forever scared, with a bitter aftertaste that sits in the back of your throat like an ex-boyfriend's name.

Sitting in that conference room, I was once again "too much" while being "not enough." My edges were sharp, but in the wrong places. My accent marks punctuated the wrong part of the word. My kick of the ball landing it in the wrong goal. My efforts had been too strong in the wrong direction.

While the feedback stems from hopes of improvement, its flower perfumes a smell of disappointment. I left feeling more vulnerable than when I entered, than when I even started. Hunched from the weighted of the "criticism" I came back to my apartment and cried. I cried like that baby I really am, because let's be real...I have no idea what the heck I'm doing.

So what better thing to do then get it all down on this blog. Pour it all out and turn each piece over. One-by-one. Carefully, I'll find the pieces that connect. I'll build my boarder and piece together my picture. I will always be too much for some people. My accent forever a bit off. But I refuse to dull my edges and weaken my efforts. Those will stay as they are and the other parts of me will just learn to be as sharp and as strong, because there is no crying in PR.

Sincerely,

Cybill

{Photo Credit}

Lessons For My Daughter

When you start college...

It's August, which only means one thing (okay, two if you count the beginning of the college football season). School is right around the corner and many young girls are packing their bags to begin the wild ride that is college. One day, you'll be packed and nervously excited, awaiting the beginning of amazing expedition. Thinking back to my four years are Florida State University, it's hard to say what I loved most and hold as my deepest regret. But last night, when my roommate asked me for some advice she can share with her cousin, it got me thinking about some of the best takeaways unearthed outside the classroom.

1. Low maintenance friends of high quality are the best friends. The amount of push and pull that happens within the span of four years can be daunting. The pressures of deciding a career path, pursuing goals and embracing the mistakes that turns into lessons are best managed with a group of friends that just get you — no make-up, no fuss, no inhibitions. Find them. Trust in them. Grow with them. Finding the right people who will frame your memories without cluttering the picture is a true treasure and a gem to be kept forever.

2. Study abroad. Study abroad for a semester, for the summer or for the whole year. Live, grow and learn in a new country with different smells, different languages and different people. There is a lot of stretching, leaning and yearning in college and in your early twenties. Do it in a different country and collect stories of places far from home. I'll miss you, but I know the growing you'll do abroad will open and fill your eyes with spark to better see the world and live your passion.

3. Go out on a school night. Alright, this one I advise with some reservation, but I will say, it's okay to go out on a school night. You're young, so do it now while you're body can still rally the next day. When you have an exam the next day, it's probably best to stay in (though it isn't completely off the table). I trust your judgement and trust me, you'll always be surprised by the people you meet and the relationships that form on those random school nights out.

4. Go beyond the college town. Drive two hours west to go camping. You've flown halfway around the world to surround yourself with the unfamiliar and continue to do that in any way possible. It probably won't be the same. It won't have the same kind of sparkle, but it'll open your eyes to something beyond the every day. Tell yourself you're going to do this and then do it.

5. Live for now, but work for tomorrow. Live and study. It's a balance. It's a give and take, a push and pull that will take a little while to fully grasp. But learn how to do everything you want to do and everything you have to do early. There will be sacrifices, but at the end of your four years in college, if properly done, you'll have a great future to look forward to and great friends to share it with as you reminisce on great memories.

Sincerely,

Cybill

The Anatomy of My Not So Romantic Meet Cute

In your twenties, you'll come to find a number of your friends, classmates and acquaintance begin to settle down and get married. It can be a little weird. One minute you're in school and the next minute, they took Beyonce's advice and put a ring on it. Anyways, I'm not complaining. I love weddings! I mean, who doesn't love a party where you get all dolled up and celebrate the love between two people? I'm such a sap.

Wedding talk aside, I have to say, I really enjoy hearing about how two people met and  how they almost didn't. It almost makes you wonder if there is such a thing as fate. Do soulmates really exist? Can the meeting of two people really be kismet? 

In June, I had my own rub with fate. In a small way, I had my own meet-cute. But don't call Katherine Heigl just yet. This is no Rom-Com.

Setting
I was traveling to Portland from Orlando for my cousin's wedding. Waking up around 2:30 a.m. Thursday morning, I had packed, got myself to the airport and made it as a stand-by passenger on the first flight to Chicago. My early start had afforded me smooth sailing and about two hours to eat breakfast in O'Hare International Airport. However, my two and half hour layover morphed into five and a half hours thanks to a three hour delay. One croissant, small coffee, almond pretzel, over-priced water bottle, small bag of trail-mix and three hours later, we were finally boarding the flight to Portland. It was a four and a half our flight and I had a middle seat.

I thank the powers of God and the universe for joining together, because as soon as I reached my row, the lucky girl who had window seat had asked me if I wanted to trade seats with her friend a few rows back. Homegirl had a window seat and it didn't really take much convincing. Window seat for a four hour and a half our flight?! WIN! All that was next was for me to pull my FSU baseball hat low over my eyes and embrace the nap ahead of me, but where's the romance in that?

The Meet-Cute
Enter Tyler. We'll call him Tyler, because, well...that's his name. In he walks, excusing himself past Jerry (the 17-year-old who attends a snowboarding high school — snowboarding high schools are real) and wearing an Oregon Ducks hoodie. Without too much hesitation, I asked him if he attended the University of Oregon and conversation quickly turned to college football. With my alma mater, the Florida State University Seminoles winning the National Championship earlier this year, the topic of conversation is probably no surprise. But what surprised me was how long Tyler and I talked and what we talked about.

Thinking back, I think we pretty much touched on almost everything. We discussed and suggested books and movies, learned about jobs and places traveled, traded sibling stories and even touched on the topic of sex and joining the mile-high club (not with each other, what kind of girl do you think I am?!). It was strange and in a way, comforting. There's something about meeting someone and simply talking and trading stories. They have no idea who you are and you haven't a clue about them.

At the end of the flight, we exchanged numbers and went our separate ways.

The End of the Rom-Com, Maybe?
Now, you're probably wondering what happened. Did we meet up one day and frolic around the city, taking adorable pictures worthy of any pre-teen magazine? No. We didn't. He invited me to hang out with his friends Saturday evening, but that was my cousin's wedding day and an opportunity to catch up with my family whom I haven't seen in months. The choice was easy, but perhaps a small part of me wonders what could have happened if I snuck away for an hour and a drink.

A few members of my glam fam. 

Relationship Status
Our relationship status (and I'm not talking about Facebook "Relationship Status") is friends...ish. Perhaps we're more distant friends or simply acquaintances. We're two ships passing in the night, or maybe more like two plans passing in flight.

We've texted a bit here-and-there, but that's kind of it. It's the end of the meet-cute. The rom-com without the rom...and perhaps the com. The beginning, "middle" and abrupt end, leaving you with what-ifs and what could have been. 

Youthful Optimism
Meet-cutes are real! Rare, but real. They happen, and while you may not realize it at the time, it's great story to share with girlfriends. Yes, the what-ifs can drive you mad, but as a lover of love, this does give me a little hope...and who knows, maybe this isn't the end of the "Rom-Com." His Oregon Ducks may find themselves matched up against my Seminoles...and that would be a great next chapter to this story.

I should also add, Portland and the surround area is a really pretty place to visit.

Sincerely,

Cybill

{Photo Credit//Personal//Personal//Personal//Tyler}

2014 Goals...Made in August

It's August and my attempts at blogging have failed miserably. I think I posted one post in the month of July. Where does all the time go? I think it's spent at work or sleeping. Lately, that's all I feel I do, but I've promised to be kinder to myself. Yes...napping is something kind to gift myself, but so is living life and that latter is far more adventurous. With that in mind, I'm going to greet the rest of 2014 with a few goals. Some are a little silly, but all are hopeful.

1. Staying up late to live a litte more. Since I began my new job, I've been so set in my way of sleeping at decent hour. I love to sleep. I love being in my pajamas and just cuddling in my bed. However, that's not what life is about. My goal is sleep a little later...perhaps an hour or so (let's not get crazy, I do have to work the next day) and just do a little more, even if it's something small, like reading a book or watching a movie.

2. Calling, not texting. Some of my friends can probably attest to this. I do like to chat and if you need someone to talk to for an hour during your drive, give me a call. However, this doesn't mean I do it with everyone. More often than not, I'll settle for texting someone, but it just seems to lackluster. Hearing someone's voice and being able to give your full attention to talk with someone on the phone holds so much more value.

3. Sitting up straight. Silly and small, but considering I sit at my desk for most of the day, it's probably best that I work on my posture. I have an awful posture and I should really do something about it, especially since I have scoliosis.

4. Turning to prayer for my answers. I'm a girl with a bunch of questions that never really seem to get answered. Lately, I've found that some of my questions don't even have clean-cut defined answers as much as I ask others and as much as I think about it. When it comes to that, clearly, the only way to get my answer is through prayer and through Christ. There's really no better way.

5. Enjoying the beautiful angelic morning. One Sunday evening, not too long ago, I remember dreading the idea of having to wake up and go into work the following morning. I had no real reason, I just didn't want to do it. Then I realized, it's a waste of my energy and my emotions. The way you feel about something really does play a major role in how things work out, and as silly as it sounds, it really is best to go into things excited, happy and grateful about life!

Okay, enough motivational mumbo-jumbo from me. I have to indulge in life a litte more before I really feel inspiring!

Sincerely,

Cybill

{Photo Credit}

Cultivate. Understand. Expand.

"Decide today to stretch yourself. Take on a goal that you had previously given up on. Get lost doing something you love. Cultivate happiness within yourself. Understand and know that life isn't just about what you do. It's about how you serve and what you give! Go within yourself to grow outside yourself. Expand your comfort zone." 

— Unknown

{Photo Credit}

Little Things

It's crazy how the little things in life can cause joy and anger. Little things and simple things can take their toll and lighten the load. It's all mad and it's magic. This morning it took a bit of effort for me to really focus on the wonder than the worry. It took a couple deep breaths, but I'm always amazed at the results when you defend the silver lining.

In light of my get-up-and-dance mood, I thought I'd share some of my little things in life — of the happy variety.

1. Listening to the right song. The kind of song that causes you dance in your chair (or get up and dance), smile and take a deep breath, because life is good and everything is going to be okay. 
2. A kind word. The smallest compliment at the right time during a rough day can do wonders for the mind, body, soul and spirit. Keep those kind words handy, because sometimes, you'll have to be your own messager and the receiver. 
3. A photo of something funny, of something heartwarming or simply, someone that makes you smile. It's always great to have a photo of some sort in your back pocket, but today, stumbling upon a photo definitely brought a smile to my face. 
4. Someone who'll ask you what's wrong and listen, really listen. These people are few and far between, but when you find them, hold onto them, because they are the good people. 
5. Laughing, at anything and everything. Pretending to laugh just to get yourself to start laughing works as well. Granted, you might come off a little crazy, but when you need to bounce back, you do what you have to do to bounce back. 

I hope everyone is having a wonderful day! 

Sincerely, 

Cybill 

{GIF Credit}

It'll Make For A Great Story One Day

"It'll make for great story one day" and "it could be worse" have been my motto for weeks. Reason being, the rental struggle is still a struggle.

Let's back track and pick up where I left off. That second place I started to work on renting, well, I'm still working on renting it. As it turns out, the number of loops that I need to jump through are ridiculous and the day I'll finally be able to move is unknown. There is a chance I won't be able to move in until the end of March. Goodness, I hope I can move in before then.

Since I don't have a place to stay and I started work Monday, I've been forced to stay in an extended stay hotel. It's not ideal, but it could be worse. (I told you I use that line often.) The extended stay is a little bit of a drive to the office, but it isn't too crazy and the traffic hasn't made me want to curl up and cry, so again, it could be worse.

Now, I have to call it a night. I still need to pack my lunch and get ready for another day's work. I miss the afternoon naps during my unemployed life. The working world, boy and girls. At least we're getting paid!

Sincerely,

Cybill

P.S.
I actually decided to hit the hay before I uploading the GIF. Hence the delayed post. I'm not working a night shift and sleeping during the day.

Happy Wednesday, everyone!

{GIF Credit}

Marco? Polo! I'm Still Here.

Hi everyone! I feel like I've been M.I.A. for a bit and I guess, to a certain extent I have, but with good reason!

Not too long ago I mentioned accepting a job in downtown Orlando and everything I had to do and everywhere I had to go before that started. Update time!

Last weekend I went to New Jersey to pick the majority of my work clothes (which pretty much means most of my pants, jeans and dresses) as well as a good number of my shoes and most of my winter clothes. I've been without a good portion of my wardrobe it almost feels new to me! I won't complain though. A "new" wardrobe at no cost at all...heyyy! Anyways, while I was in New Jersey, I was quickly reminded of how cold the north can get in the winter (and this winter is far worst than it was when I lived there)! I was there for three days and my hands are still dry and recovering, regardless of how much lotion I used to protect them. Clearly, I'm made for a warmer climate.

This past weekend, my parents and I drove to Orlando to apartment hunt. Let me just preface this right now with, "I'm not crazy about apartment hunting." I guess, it's due to the fact that nothing is perfect and I feel like wherever you rest your head and recharge your batteries should be real close to perfect. At the same time, figuring out the numbers with rent and how far you're willing to live in order to find cheaper rent is not that easy for me. All the numbers just start to blur together and I was never good at numbers.

Anyways, with all of that in mind, I've found the place that I'd like to recharge my batteries after a days work. Now, comes the part where I wait for the renter to get back with me. This is like interviewing for a job and waiting to hear back. I never had too much patience (I would discretely unwrap presents and put them back together again before Christmas), but I have no choice...the ball isn't in my court anymore. Hopefully, I'll hear back soon and I won't have to fear being homeless in Orlando. I'll make sure to update all of you as things progress!

Happy Monday!

Sincerely,

Cybill

The Road Ahead

There is a tide in the affairs of my life, ladies and gentlemen! And I'm taking it at the flood in hopes for good fortune. In short, this girl was offered a position with a PR agency in Orlando and I'm on the move.

In the next few weeks, I have a good bit of traveling, packing and moving to get done. To start things off, I have to fly to New Jersey to collect my clothes. (Quick back story on that one. When I flew home from NJ, I didn't check any bags and limited myself to a carry on. I left all of my winter clothes, jeans, a few blouses, shoes, etc.)

After a trip to New Jersey, I'll drive up to Orlando to apartment hunt. I have a few friends in Orlando that have been kind enough to let me bother them with a million and one questions. And can I just say, why is finding an apartment so difficult?! While I lived in an apartment in college, I didn't do much apartment hunting. My friends/roommates, Kallie & Carling hunted and landed our apartment while Colleen and I were in London. (Thank God for those two!) But now that I'm doing this on my own...it's not only not as much fun, it's a bit stressful. Finding, visiting and setting the budget is also overwhelming for this girl who is awful with numbers. (During a few occasions, I have been known to cry while trying to figure out my math homework.)

I'll take all of the nerves though. I mean, this is what I wanted, right? This is the Kefi Spirit I've been channeling since we rang in the new year. This is change and this is good. Scary, but good. But knowing me, I'll be scared (or maybe I should say nervous...yes, I'll be more nervous) about all of it until just before it happens. Then, for ten seconds that come out of no where, I'll be courageous. I'll think I'm bigger than I am and BAM! It'll all be second nature.

Sincerely,

Cybill

Kefi Begets Kefi

Remember how I was all about the Kefi at the start of 2014? I was Kefi's biggest cheerleader. I defended the spirit like it was my good name. Well, we're about 22 days into 2014 and I'm going to need some hard core Kefi spirit next week.

For my Dad's birthday, my Mom has planned for us to spend some time on Hilton Head Island. She also invited a few family members to join us. That's cool. I'm totally okay and on board with this idea. Except, I'm not really totally okay and on board with this idea. I also don't think it'll be that cool. Why? Let me explain.

Chances are, someone will ask me about my life, whether it's my relationship status (or lack thereof), my job (or lack thereof) or my plan for my future (which they would probably conclude is an awful idea). I know it won't be that bad. I mean, they're family. They'll drive you nuts (because they're kind of nuts) but they'll love and support you no matter what. Except they won't, not 100% anyways. Out loud and in front of you, they'll put on a good face, but they'll fail. A small jab will slip. A small jab always slips.

Just the other day my Dad was on the phone talking about me and my brother, the engineer. After discussing our accomplishments, the voice on the phone (that's all I'm going to do to acknowledge her) replied, "Engineering. That's nice. That's good." Not a word of praise for my accomplishments. Not even a nod of acknowledgment. Thanks, voice on the phone, you're all too sweet. I might as well be Isobel Crawley and the world (especially the voice on the phone) the Dowager Countess.

It's like this a lot of the time, especially with my brother being a hot shot in Chicago. But I've taken the criticism with its grain of salt. You can't really hate people who only do things because they have to do them. They work because they need to make money to provide for themselves. They don't work because they actually enjoy what they're doing. You know, they're the type of people who do things to get somewhere else or to get something else. They can't be happy just because. It's a shame, really.

It is with this mindset (and a constant stream of self praise) that I'm going to take on any encounter. I'm going to use this as a means of power, because, heck, I'm pretty awesome. I may have to fake it a bit, but it's comes with the territory. One thing for sure, I'm not going to let their poor opinions of me get to me. I'm not going to let their labels of failure play any role in my life. I'm not going to let them defeat me, because frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn. (Okay, so may be I give a little damn, but just you wait.) Besides, it's in poor taste to be a defeatist, just ask the Dowager Countess.

I should probably refer back to this pep talk-esque-blog post when the going gets rough. Perhaps, I should also look into making a daily affirmation. This girl does it the right way and she's definitely a woman of Kefi.

Sincerely,

Cybill

{GIF Credit//GIF Credit}

Left, Right or Straight Ahead

The summer after my freshmen year of college, I sat in the front passenger seat of our family's 1996 Jeep Grand Cherokee while my brother drove home from Daytona Beach where he was attending college. Earlier that summer, my brother had gotten in a car accident (don't worry, no one was hurt) which left his Ford Ranger totaled. His consolation, our family Jeep, which I had named Buster when he was under my care the year prior.

At the time, Buster's AC wasn't functioning, and anyone who lives in Florida or visited Florida during the summer can tell you, a road trip of any length, in a car without proper functioning AC is no way to travel. My brother and I traveled anyways.

We were about an hour into the four hour drive drive, with the windows down allowing anything resembling cool air into the car, when we came to the subject of my future spouse. Perhaps it was being engulfed in the heat coupled with the blur of the passing tress, but it was while we were talking about my future Mr. Right that my brother said something that has stuck with me for the last four and a half years.

It was during that hot summer day when my brother told me, "Cybill, you need to marry a guy who has a plan. He needs to have a solid plan in life and a stable job, because you have no idea where you're going or what you're doing."

With the windows rolled down and I-95 or Florida's Turnpike before us, I think I just laughed, finding humor and a compliment in his statement. Four and a half years later, all I can do is gawk at the amount of truth those words held and still do to this day.

A couple of days ago I was researching the Pacific Crest Trail with plans of one day hiking a section of it. Last year I was researching possible trips to Peru in hopes of one day hiking the Inca Trail to Machu Picchu. And a couple of minutes ago, I was discussing plans to climb Mount Kilimanjaro with my friend and college roommate, Kallie. (Do you notice a trend here?)

I don't know when I'll be able to accomplish any of this, but I know I want to accomplish all of it, and with these plans secured on my bucket list, the things I need to do (i.e., get a job with a steady income) just get pushed lower and lower on the list of things I want to do. Now I find myself standing at the intersection of, I Don't Know What to Do.

Recently, my current predicament has me debating the possibility of becoming a waitress opposed to landing an entry-level job in the PR industry. Waitressing would allow me to one day quit the job without the threat of "throwing away my career." (Is there such a thing as a career in waitressing? I apologize if there is.) But with these thoughts, I find myself having to answer to the part of me that wants to have a successful career (an actual career), a 401K (whatever that is), a mortgage (really, I'd simply like to own a house) and the knowledge that I am a functioning adult who positively contributes to society (and pays their taxes; something about taxes seems so adult to me).

How do I do this? How can I mix this sense of stability with my need for adventure? How do people make their passion their career? Which way to should I turn? These are the things I need to know. These are the questions I need answered. This is what they don't teach you in school.

In the time that it's taken me to type up this blog post, save it as a draft and come back to edit it, I've researched volunteer opportunities abroad (volunteering in an orphanage in Nepal sounds like fun, seriously). In the time since my brother and I drove down from Daytona Beach in an airless Buster, I've come to terms with my wanderlust, but I have yet to come to a conclusion of which way to turn...left, right or continue straight ahead. Perhaps it'll take another four and a half years to figure this out. Perhaps it'll take a guy, my Mr. Right, who has a solid plan and a stable career, or maybe, it'll just take me, day-by-day, taking one step after another, turning left or right, but turning whichever way I choose...

Sincerely,

Cybill

{Photo Credit}

And We're Off

2014 is here and we're up and running! Okay, so we've really be at it for three days, forgive me for my delay, but low and behold, we've got the first blog post of 2014! Heyyy!

Congested, this was my view NYE.

I rang in the new year with minimal pomp and circumstance. I had dinner with my family and settled down to watch the Chick-Fil-A Bowl with Duke and Texas A&M. (That was an awesome game, even though Duke lost. Nonetheless, shout out to the ACC!) From there on, it was smooth sailing until 3 a.m. when it was time to drop my brother off at the airport for his 5 a.m. flight. Alright, so it was almost smooth sailing.

You know the old saying, "Be careful what you wish for, because you just might get it?" Well...be careful, because that saying does ring true, to a certain extent. In my previous post, I mentioned ringing in 2014 with a kiss from the Doctor (or, as I call him, Mr. M.D.). Don't get too excited, it didn't happen, I kissed my cat, yet again. However, I was wasn't feeling well the final hours of 2013 and the early hours of 2014. Was I ill enough to take a trip to the ER? No, but I was definitely uncomfortable. So, I "wished" to ring in the new year with Mr. M.D., and got "sick," but not sick enough. Yeah, I'm going to take that as a sign to drop that daydream right now.  (So long Mr. M.D., thanks for being my daydream man for 2013!)

My head on collision with congestion and sneezing had me waking up with an awful sore throat the next morning. Feeling a few shades of uncomfortable, I spent the first day of 2014 shifting my head to clear my nasal passages and watching college football...A LOT of college football. I believe I watched five games that day — not five entire games, I just watched bits and pieces of five games. I'm not going to complain, it was a great way to build more anticipation for the big kahuna, the BCS National Championship Game! GO NOLES!

Please ignore how awkward I look.

With that game in the horizon, my outlook for 2014 looks promising. I've convinced myself it'll be the year of triumphs and my arms will be sore and fabulously toned from the amount of times I've raised them in victory. My friend Vassi and I have also dedicated this year to the year of Kefi. We discussed our game plan at length during a two hour lunch yesterday (okay, so we mostly discussed boys, relationships and life, but kefi can and will go along with all of that)!

This year, will also be a year to build on my understanding of my faith and God's love for me. (I'll try not to get preachy.) After a late night chat with my friend Catrina (God bless her, for all her spiritual guidance), she helped me realize that I'm a good person, despite all my missteps and mistakes. She also helped me realize, that believing this doesn't make me entitled. I haven't fully grasped that concept just yet, but I'm getting there and I will get there.

Carefully yet deliberately I will arrive at the end of this year having fulling embraced 2014 for all it will offer and for all it's glories! Get ready, folks, because this year is going to be wonderfully amazing, I'm going to make sure of it!

Sincerely,

Cybill

Upon My Death, Follow These Rules

Okay, so this post may be a little morbid in thought, but let's take like PR pros and "spin it," I'm just being proactive. (Selfishly, I also what I micromanage my funeral.)

First things first. You're probably asking yourself, "Cybill, why would you write such a horrific blog post?" To that, I answer with: (One) I've recently envisioned myself in a horrific car accident. (Knock on wood.) I don't know how it ends, as I shut my eyes and shake away the feeling creeping down my spine, but in the event that it's death and this vision becomes reality, I'd like to know I was prepared. (Two) I recently finished Mindy Kaling's book, Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? (And Other Concerns), in which she has a chapter specifying rules for her funeral. I thought I'd take a page — or in this case a chapter — and outline my own funeral. Trust me, I'm doing all of you a favor.

Second things second. As the majority of my friends and everyone in my family don't know about this blog, I'm leaving these rules to be found and executed by the friends in the know. (I hope you ladies accept your mission, otherwise, we're in the shits.)

Rules and Regulations
1. If you're crying, stop. I didn't live a life worthy of tears. No one was able to breathe easy because I lived my life. I'm not being self deprecating, it's a fact that I have accepted. * However, tears are acceptable in private quarters.

2. Food must be present, preferably food that I particularly enjoyed, so don't skimp on the desserts and baked goods. An array of breakfast foods is completely acceptable and I wouldn't mind if my funeral is to be catered by Chick-fil-A.

3. Black attire is not necessary. While it is the historic color of mourning, I don't require you purchase and/wear black. I do, however, require you to be comfortable. It's miserable enough that I'm no longer there, I don't want to add to that burden. **

4. Multiple flower arrangements need not be present. One simple floral arrangement consisting of lavender roses and white hydrangeas will be plenty. I would have enjoyed flowers when I was alive, so y'all missed your chance there.

5. Music that invokes the desire to dance shall be the only music played. Think songs along the lines of Manfred Mann's Do Wah Diddy. I also encourage dancing. I want people who aren't invited to my funeral to wish they were, because it looks like an awesome party. Feel free to invite those people.

6. To the person(s) entrusted to delivery a eulogy, you better do a damn good job, I'll be listening. Please feel free to include humorous stories of my unparalleled wit and fiercely independent spirit. If you can't think of any examples to portray those characteristics, make them up, but make them believable or complete and utter crap that people won't know whether to laugh or be offended. However, I don't want a roast. Roast me and I'll crawl out of my grave to haunt you.

7. The prayer cards to be distributed at my funeral must include the phrase, "Badass chick from the Moulin Rouge" below my name. ***

8. Ex-boyfriends shall be informed of my passing and invited, pending they are in utter grief and regret ending the fight to win back my heart. Invite anyone you deem fit, but make sure they don't celebrate my passing the way you'd celebrate passing an exam.

9. Permission to print and/or distribute these rules and regulations are permitted. Copy and paste them in emails, if you find it necessary. I completely understand, it's probably easier.

10. In the event I do live a fabulous life, get married and have children, these rules and regulations do not apply. Some of them might...check with my lawyer or next of kin or whatever.

Sincerely,

Cybill



_______________________________________________________________________
*In the event that I was able to live a life noteworthy of a movie or Nobel Prize, public tears are permitted. Furthermore, these rules and regulations will be considered null and void. Please see updated rules and regulations.
**While I do wish for you to be comfortable, I do suggest people (mostly you, Lamb) wear pants. A dress or a skirt will work as well.
***Please emphasis the sarcasm in this sentiment, as I am fully aware of the occupation held by the "chicks of the Moulin Rouge." 

New York, I Didn't Love You

Union Square Park | January 2013

With complete understanding that my feelings toward New York City may go against popular opinion, I have to state, New York, I didn't love you. Now, I'm not saying I hate you, because I definitely didn't hate you. I just wasn't happy when I was with you...

I was living in New Jersey and interning with an agency in NYC earlier this year. From January to April, for five days a week, I would wake up before the winter sunrise, catch a bus at a New Jersey mall and shlep over to Port Authority. From Port Authority, I would navigate through the city's underground tunnels to catch the N, Q or R train which dropped me off at the Union Square stop, that I was convinced was soaked with urine — yes, it smells that bad. Often arriving an hour before my office opened and an hour and a half before my supervisor reported to work, I'd hide away in a corner of the closest Pret, Starbucks or Panera to avoid the bitter cold. I hated all most if it.

To add to all of this, my roommate in New Jersey (who also happened to be family) seemed unpleasant during most occasions. Though a hard worker, her work just never seemed to bring her joy and believe me when I say, misery loves company.

Washington Square Park | April 2013

Despite her moodiness, premature sunsets and mind numbing cold, the free moments I spent in the city  hanging out with fellow interns did redeem NYC to a certain extent. (New York, you better thank those moments and those people. They showed me how some people can love you.)

With my meager salary (something every staff member marveled and laughed at whenever mentioned), I would sometimes forgo the warmth of hanging out in Pret, Starbucks or Panera — I couldn't afford to buy a $4 coffee everyday, espeically since free coffee was in the office. Those mornings I spent braving the cold, I'd often stroll through the streets of the city. In the early hours of the day, the streets lacked the hustle, bustle, push and shove that was notorious when wide awake. It was nice and I enjoyed it (except that one morning when an older man shoved pass me to get off the train — I'm looking at you, you old grouch). It was very Audrey Heprbun a la Breakfast at Tiffany's and I was Holly Golightly, except without the black dress, questionable trips to Sing Sing and "occupation" that would bring the disappointment from my mother to a whole new level.

At first, I'd keep my walks between 23rd street and Union Square. I'd stroll west and then south toward the office building. Nothing crazy. Nothing extravagant. One morning, I even decided to brave the cold and sit on a park bench in Madison Square. I was desperate for anything resembling fresh air at that point. However, that lasted all about two minutes, before I briskly walked into an Au Bon Pain to warm my hands which I swear was starting to crack from the cold.

Rooftop View | April 2013

Those first mornings venturing around the city probably didn't favor a growth of warm feelings. However, they did provide a some good stories with my fellow interns, Catrina and Lesley. Those stories provided the laughter that helped us survive life in the trenches. More often that not, I'd worry the laughter from Catrina would lead to reprimands from our supervisors. I didn't realize my mishaps — like taking the ill-advised deep breath exiting a subway train — were so funny Catrina couldn't control her laughter, maybe they were so pathetic they became funny.

One of my favorite moments was the afternoon Catrina and I snuck up to the roof of the office building, disregarding any and every sign that stated an alarm would ring. With the door ajar, we doubted the alarm even worked and our audacity rewarded us greatly. Not only were we able to get an amazing view of the city, we found a future lunch spot, void of any crowds, but busting at the seams with some well deserved "fresh air." That spot was perfect when the weather finally warmed up mid-April.

In retrospect, New York City, with it's early sunsets, bitter cold chill and stern-faced residents wasn't too bad. Would I say my feelings have changed, no, but I would go back to visit. Maybe my love or admiration for the city takes more than a few months...maybe I can learn to love it...maybe.

Sincerely,

Cybill 

Advice to my Former Self

Yes, the photo of the little girl above is me, way back before I could distinguish right from left and I realized I can't get by without a calculator. Driving home today, I was hit with a bit of nostalgia for my former self, specifically, the 13-year-old me.

I wasn't nostalgic to go back to middle school, I don't necessarily want to be 13 again, but I do wish I could give my 13-year-old self a hug...and some advice. You know, the kind of advice and reassurance you really needed back then. The kind of advice that resembled a slap-in-the face coming from love, of course. Just some small reality check, because at 13 and semi-self-centered, I really needed it.

To quote Cher, "If I could turn back time..."

• Hate to break it to you, but most of your friends at 13 aren't going to be your friends in your 20s. In the seventh grade, when Chelsea ostracizes you, it's a blessing, really. You'll be Facebook "friends" and you'll see her again in college, but your attempts to reconcile can be categorized a failure. It's okay. You'll understand the afternoon you go to the gym with Carling and see her.
• Regarding your crushes, Chris and Hector...jump ship now. I won't be so hard on you. You were young, naive, you didn't know any better. But don't be so dramatic, your taste will change to something far better. Keep in mind, you won't really see them again after 8th grade. 
• Middle school will end, you'll be sad and you will cry. That's okay. But be open-minded to high school. Yes, it's a private school and you won't really know anyone, but trust me, it really isn't that bad. You'll grow in your faith, you'll grow in your confidence, and you'll make some really great friends. Friends you'll still talk to in your 20s, though attending rival colleges. Trust me when I tell you, you're better off. 
• Study. You're a smart girl and you've realized you can get good grades by coasting. Don't. That'll carry over into your freshmen year of high school more than you think. 
• C'est la vie, girl! Seriously, it's life and it's going to keep going. Don't be so hard on yourself and don't occupy your time with boys and petty drama with girls that won't matter a year later. You'll learn and sooner than you think, your friends (the friends you actually still talk to) will turn to you for advice. There's a reason you've been labeled "Independent Woman of the Mountain." 

What advice do you wish you can give yourself at 13, because let's be real, who was "cool" at 13? 

Sincerely, 

Cybill

P.S. The picture included in this post is not of myself at 13. 

Motivation for Monday

Mondays can be a little rough, but that doesn't mean they can't be a good start to a great week and sometimes all you need is someone to tell you, "You've got what it takes, you've got more than it takes!" For anyone that's going through a bit of a rough patch and you find your balance between questions and answers heavy with doubt, take a deep breath and then take another. I've been there and I'm somewhat still there.

Last week I found myself with a broken back burden with doubt. I've been traveling down a path that seems so long, but some inherent part of me, however small, tells me a I shouldn't give up, I shouldn't back down, this path, worn and barren now, will lead me somewhere great.

Teetering on the brink of tears, I turned to books and words. There's something unify in the fact that though complete strangers, separated by oceans and centuries, we all question ourselves. Some have figured it out while others went on blind faith that everything was going to be okay. Regardless of whether or not their questions marks were turned into periods and exclamation points, they persevered with their passions and I found solace and encouragement I should keep on trying as well.

I hope you keep on trying too. And may you always remember, that the passion and fire in your heart isn't there as a filler, there's a reason and that reason may very well be your purpose. May you have a great start to a wonderful week!

Sincerely,

Cybill 

An Internal Monologue

Have you ever found yourself in a conversation with yourself? Don't make that look like I'm crazy, you know what I'm talking about. One moment you're just walking, minding your own business, probably thinking of things you have to do but don't really want to do, and then, all of a sudden something catches your eye.

"Oh hey, that looks cool," is the line that starts it all.

Then a few minutes later you find yourself internally arguing whether whatever caught your eye is worth the purchase, "It IS on sale..." "Are you even going to use it? You don't need it. What are you going to do with it?" ...and that's how we all end up on a psychiatrist's couch, shelling out dollars of what could go toward our retirement fund. Just kidding...somewhat.

In all seriousness, I'm sure you can recall a time when the rational and level-headed part of your personality was urging your spontaneous, free-spirit not to jump, not to take that leap, not to buy the alarm clock just because it was cute and fuzzy. Odds are, you can also recall a time when you were convinced there was food stuck in your teeth or on the side of your face when you catch a cute stranger looking at you. Then, as if timed perfectly, you scold yourself in your decision to forgo checking yourself out in the mirror, because you don't want to be confused for narcissistic.

We've all been there. We've all done it. We've all talked ourselves out of happiness or an uptake on the confidence meter, however short and fleeting. But why?!

Why do we deny ourselves something that will do no harm and will make us happy? Why do we deny ourselves that small slice of cake? Why do we try to convince ourselves someone is out of our league?

Talking a step back and assessing the situation from the comfort zone of my laptop it's all really silly. We dress up, we show up and we look great! We work out, eat right and deserve that small slice of cake! We work hard, live within our means and one silly, just-because purchase is a small reward, and that's that. Little joys and increases of confidence is good, as along as it's in moderation and we don't let it go to heads, the same way we've let denial and a negative perspective of ourselves get into our hearts.

So the next time you catch the eye a stranger think, "I do look good today," because you look great! And the next time you find yourself debating whether or not to have a small slice of cake, Marie Antoinette that and let them (meaning you) have cake! Let's revolutionize our internal monologue to embrace that happiness that is out there for us and end the fight against ourselves, because as my favorite yoga instructor always said, "Don't fight with your body, because you will loose."

Sincerely,

Cybill

{GIF Credit}

Vocations, Religious or Otherwise

Looking up in St. James Park, London | April 2010

Sunday evening, there was a guest priest at the church I was visiting. His homily focused primarily on his hopes that gentlemen would hear God's call to the church.

***Now, before I continue, I just want to level with you. I'm Catholic. I was baptized Catholic, I was raised Catholic and I went to a Catholic high school. However, I struggle with the "rules" of my religion every day. Is Catholicism perfect? No, not by any means. Do I question the church's standings on certain situations? Yes, but I do so in hopes to better understand my faith and my religion. There are some things about the Catholic teachings that have me ebbing, when I should be flowing, however, like many things in life, it's in study and practice when you truly understand. So, I won't force my religious opinions or beliefs on you. I'll just share them.***

So back to Sunday. The priest -- I apologize, I have forgotten his name -- discussed vocations. While he was focusing on vocations to the church, I edited his message in way that applies to me a little more.

Personally, I don't feel called to the church to serve as a Sister. I played house for countless hours as child and I hope to have family of my own one day. To a certain extent, I believe being a mother is one of my vocations. Nevertheless, I feel that there might be something more, but how do I know what it is? And how can I be sure? How is anyone sure?

I'm a thinker, I'm an over-analyzer, and in some ways, that makes me a doubter. But I don't want to doubt the big things. I want to know. But I ask all of you out there, how did you know? How did you know that what you're doing and what you're striving for is your vocation?

The priest's answer would be prayer, and I've prayed. God may have given me a sign, but of course, I question and analyze if anything can be taken as a sign, leaving me more confused than where I started. So what else can I add to this recipe? Is this a one of those "Leap and the net shall appear" situations? That's a pretty big leap, if you ask me. Perhaps it's one of those, "Let the pieces fall where they may" or "Trust that God will lead you where you need to go." Ultimately, I trust Him, but a little insight wouldn't hurt every now and then. It also wouldn't hurt to know for sure my Heavenly vocation. 

Sincerely,

Cybill

30 Is The New 20, So They Said

Today, I woke up to a Facebook message from a friend of mine. With her best intentions, she sent me a link to a talk Meg Jay, a clinical psychologist, gave at TED earlier this year. In her talk, she defined the importance of your 20s and as I found it fitting for this blog, so I had a share.



While I'm sure Meg had every intention to inspire 20-somethings to capitalize on where they are in life (and I'm sure she did just that), I'm not going to lie, I was a little taken aback, not necessarily in what she was saying, but the gravity of it. I mean, it really does make sense. Your 20s, our 20s, they are important. They're stepping stones into what will hopefully be a beautiful life.

Yes, we may take a few side steps. If you're like me, you make even feel like you've taken a step back, but that's the beauty of it, right? You're turning it into a dance and that dance becomes your 20s. And all of this heart ache and all of the disappointment builds you to be stronger and wiser. It becomes your "developmental sweet-spot," that we should really understand and capitalize. It isn't about trying on different hats not for the sake of saying you did it, but perhaps, it's more like trying on different hats in order to find that hat that best fits you, to find the hat that was made to fit you.

Sincerely,

Cybill

A Lesson In...The Bigger Picture

St. George Island, Florida | January 2012

"Patience child, patience. Remember, life is a journey. If you got everything you wanted all at once there'd be no point to living. Enjoy the ride, and in the end you'll see these 'set backs' as giant leaps forward, only you couldn't see the bigger picture in the moment. Remain clam, all is within reach; all you have to do is show up everyday, stay true to your path and you will surely find the treasure you seek." 

-- Jackson Kiddard

My friend, Vassi, and I seem to have a reoccurring conversation, and more often than not, we're brought to the topic of our anxiety for the unknown and our expectations for our future. Like most girls, we've daydreamed about our future weddings, how our husbands' would look and the names of our children. But we're also concerned with our careers, the path we're taking and whether what we're doing right now, is what we're suppose to be doing. 

Looking back as we work our way through our twenties, it's plain to see our lives have been mapped out until now. In elementary school, we knew high school would be when we felt the freedom at came with earning a driver's license. In high school, we knew college would bring freedom of being on our own. However, now that college is behind us, we've asked each other, "What's next?" "What now?"

For some, the road they drive along and the path they follow means graduate school. Right now, Vassi is in medical school, however, I am on a road to what I hope will be an inspiring career in Public Relations. Yet, I'm still left with doubt.

Not too long ago I found myself sitting at my desk questioning, "Is that what I really want to do?" Right off the bat, I knew that was bad sign. It's one thing to be uninspired and it's another to be uninspired and doubtful. Thus, not too long after, I said my goodbyes and left New York City to return home. 

Surrounded by family and friends, blanketed by the warmth of the Florida sunshine, I got a good dose of words that I needed and wanted to hear. I'm also getting a good dose in the lesson of patience and traveling the journey of life.

The set back of being unemployed is unfortunate and I would never wish that burden on anyone. But just as Jackson Kiddard says these "sets backs" are giant leaps forward, and I'm learning just that. While where I am right now isn't where I had hoped to be, what I've done leading up to this moment, to today, they're things I've always wanted to do.

I was able to travel to Hawaii and New Zealand. I got to fly Business Class (it's nice how the other half flies, by the way). I got to see family I haven't seen in ten years and meet a cousin I had never met!

In terms of the bigger picture, these are the strokes I want to paint, these are the colors I want to use, and I hope, as I continue down this path, it'll be a picture I'll be proud to call my life.

What "set backs" have turned out to be beautiful strokes in your bigger picture?

Sincerely,

Cybill