2014 Goals...Made in August

It's August and my attempts at blogging have failed miserably. I think I posted one post in the month of July. Where does all the time go? I think it's spent at work or sleeping. Lately, that's all I feel I do, but I've promised to be kinder to myself. Yes...napping is something kind to gift myself, but so is living life and that latter is far more adventurous. With that in mind, I'm going to greet the rest of 2014 with a few goals. Some are a little silly, but all are hopeful.

1. Staying up late to live a litte more. Since I began my new job, I've been so set in my way of sleeping at decent hour. I love to sleep. I love being in my pajamas and just cuddling in my bed. However, that's not what life is about. My goal is sleep a little later...perhaps an hour or so (let's not get crazy, I do have to work the next day) and just do a little more, even if it's something small, like reading a book or watching a movie.

2. Calling, not texting. Some of my friends can probably attest to this. I do like to chat and if you need someone to talk to for an hour during your drive, give me a call. However, this doesn't mean I do it with everyone. More often than not, I'll settle for texting someone, but it just seems to lackluster. Hearing someone's voice and being able to give your full attention to talk with someone on the phone holds so much more value.

3. Sitting up straight. Silly and small, but considering I sit at my desk for most of the day, it's probably best that I work on my posture. I have an awful posture and I should really do something about it, especially since I have scoliosis.

4. Turning to prayer for my answers. I'm a girl with a bunch of questions that never really seem to get answered. Lately, I've found that some of my questions don't even have clean-cut defined answers as much as I ask others and as much as I think about it. When it comes to that, clearly, the only way to get my answer is through prayer and through Christ. There's really no better way.

5. Enjoying the beautiful angelic morning. One Sunday evening, not too long ago, I remember dreading the idea of having to wake up and go into work the following morning. I had no real reason, I just didn't want to do it. Then I realized, it's a waste of my energy and my emotions. The way you feel about something really does play a major role in how things work out, and as silly as it sounds, it really is best to go into things excited, happy and grateful about life!

Okay, enough motivational mumbo-jumbo from me. I have to indulge in life a litte more before I really feel inspiring!

Sincerely,

Cybill

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Semi-Unexpected Conversations

Today, I feel like it's common to reply to a voicemail and missed call with a text message. Typically those responses read, "Hey, what's up?" or "Sorry I missed you're call. What's up?" No one believes in talking on the phone. So, this afternoon, when I received a call from my London GC, (graduate counselor, the London equivalent to an RA) Justin, I was pleasantly surprised.

Aside from a few text messages during holidays, a "Happy Birthday" post on Facebook and an occasional "Hey, where are my pictures?" message, Justin and I don't talk. Whatever we had resembling a friendship while I was in college dwindled to an idle "relationship" (of the non-romantic, essentially non-existent type) where small talk and labels of "acquaintance" clung to our chest before gliding to the ground.

This afternoon, during our chat, I wouldn't say it was necessarily so idle. Don't get your hopes up or anything. Feelings of love or secret admiration and heartfelt devotion didn't flow out of either of us the Niagara Falls. Rather, it was more of an older distant cousin sharing some advice to a girl starting off on her own. During our chat, I learned a few things...

1. When he was a kid, Justin wanted to be a banker of some sort. Kid was dreaming big. I guess not everyone aspires to being a Philanthropist, but the world needs its bankers. 
2. The intensity of the travel bug dies down...for some. I guess it's the old adage, "Different strokes for different folks," and it applies to travel. Justin, who's been a good number of places, is calling it Pause on his escapades abroad. Is there really such a thing as calling it Pause? Won't you be in a forever state of wanderlust?!
3. Some people aspire to retire with $1 million dollars, other people just aspire. I totally understand the desire to retire with the padding of a loaded bank account. However, I never wanted to work because of the money. I never wanted to do anything because of the money. Granted, there are some things I do because of the money (Hey, I need to pay my bills), but I also don't dream of retiring with that much padding. Perhaps, it's because part of me hopes to have a career that doesn't feel like work. It's the part of me that hopes to love what I do so much, I can't imagine ever taking a step back or taking it a notch down. Again, it's that old adage. 

Ultimately, that chat with Justin, though unexpected and perhaps a bit odd, was a nice treat to my Monday. I was reminded that I don't have to have things figured out right now and my quarter-life crisis really has yet to happen. I guess that means I've got a good bit to look forward to and perhaps a few more unexpected conversations, semi or otherwise. 

Sincerely, 

Cybill

Things I Don't Understand (and I Don't Think I Ever Will)

1. Economics. Supply and demand, I understand. Take it beyond that and I'm lost. I took an economics class in high school and again in college. During both occasions, it was an uphill battle. Not only was I simply not interested, I may have also dozed off during a class in college.

2. The need for people to leave comments in the likes of "Go F@#$ Yourself." Really? Why? What's the point of doing that? Do you feel better now? I mean, I totally get the whole "I don't agree with their ideas" but how does that comment change their opinion or help the situation? Please, enlighten me. I'm so lost!

3. How do people know?! This one is pretty general, but ultimately, I want in on this crystal ball everyone seems to have in their back pocket. Seriously! How do people know something is the thing they want to do for the rest of their lives?! How do people know the person they're with is the love of their life? How do people figure these things out?! Someone, please tell me.

4. Wanderlust-less. It's hard for me to understand the "why" behind comments such as, "I don't want to visit _______." I totally get it if you can't travel, but your lack of desire to travel and experience something completely different from your day-to-day is completely foreign to me. How can you look at pictures and read about Petra Jordan, the Holi Festival, Fjordlands National Park, South Island, New Zealand and not want to hop on a plane to experience this all for yourself?!

5. People who don't use their turn singles. I use my turn singles when even when I'm in the turning lane and I always use my turn singles when I change lanes. It's one way to let people know you need to get over to the next lane. It's also a nice way to say, "Hey, can you ease off the gas, I need to get that lane." I don't know about you, but I'll try my best to let people in front of me if they use their turn single.

6. People who speed up when you turn on your turn single. Seriously, dude, come on. I just politely informed you I needed to get over. I basically asked you. What do you do? You speed up. You do know, letting me in front of you doesn't leave you with a silver medal in the "Driving to the Grocery Store" event.

Well, folks, I'm off to go ponder these mysteries of life while I finish up my packing. It's a slow go when it comes to packing and once again, I won't be able to bring everything with me. So it's probably a good thing I don't need my heavy coats in Florida.

If you're up north, stay warm, but have a great week, wherever you are!

Sincerely,

Cybill

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In A Past Life

Do you believe in past lives and reincarnation? When I first learned about reincarnation in school, it fascinated me. It's like a second chance, but on a bigger scale. A reset button on life. You've reset and erased. You're back at the starting gate, but you don't know the course of the track. You go on anyways.

Growing up Catholic, I was taught that reincarnation isn't real. It isn't a thing. It's an idea, but it's not ours. However, as the years have come and gone, I can't help but wonder if it's true, even the smallest bit. Perhaps it's not page-by-page from Buddhist teaching, but piece-by-piece.

In the Zac Brown Band's song "Colder Weather," he sings, "you got a gypsy soul to blame and you were born for leaving." It's always been one of my favorite lines and I had jotted it down on a post-it note while working in NYC. (That post-it note hung on the wall next to pictures I ripped out of an STA Travel catalog.) The lines' deep resonation has me thinking I must have been a gypsy in a former life. I must have been a vagabond. I must have always had this need to explore and wander. Whether or not it's true, I won't know until after I die, but until then, I'll go on anyways.

Sincerely, 

Cybill

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Random Oddities

Without a clear reason as to why, I've made a list of random oddities (hence the post title) that I thought I'd share on my blog. Perhaps it's an ode to Laura's from Little Things & Curiosities "Today I Believe" posts. However, it's a more me, meaning, it's probably a little random and it lacks that majestic feeling Laura has with her posts. Oh well, hakuna matata!

1. Part of me feels like 2014 is still in the distant future. Does that mean I live in the past? Don't answer that, I know the answer to that. I think too much about the shoulda, coulda, woulda.

2. Lately, I've been dreaming of food, but I've had no desire to cook or bake, or really eat. Last time I lost my appetite was when I was sick (which was also when I met Mr. MD).

3. Needtobreathe released two songs off of their new album. Give their new single "The Heart" a listen. Give it a try. Ain't no gift like the present tense, Ain't no love like an old romance, Got'sta make hay when the sun is shinin', Can't waste time when it comes time to dance

4. I started every morning this week with two cups of coffee or two cups of tea. Today, I've limited myself to one cup.

5. Harper Lee's To Kill a Mockingbird will never get old and Gregory Peck as Atticus Finch in the 1962 film is damn near perfect in my eyes. 

I hope everyone is having a lovely weekend!

Sincerely,

Cybill

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Left, Right or Straight Ahead

The summer after my freshmen year of college, I sat in the front passenger seat of our family's 1996 Jeep Grand Cherokee while my brother drove home from Daytona Beach where he was attending college. Earlier that summer, my brother had gotten in a car accident (don't worry, no one was hurt) which left his Ford Ranger totaled. His consolation, our family Jeep, which I had named Buster when he was under my care the year prior.

At the time, Buster's AC wasn't functioning, and anyone who lives in Florida or visited Florida during the summer can tell you, a road trip of any length, in a car without proper functioning AC is no way to travel. My brother and I traveled anyways.

We were about an hour into the four hour drive drive, with the windows down allowing anything resembling cool air into the car, when we came to the subject of my future spouse. Perhaps it was being engulfed in the heat coupled with the blur of the passing tress, but it was while we were talking about my future Mr. Right that my brother said something that has stuck with me for the last four and a half years.

It was during that hot summer day when my brother told me, "Cybill, you need to marry a guy who has a plan. He needs to have a solid plan in life and a stable job, because you have no idea where you're going or what you're doing."

With the windows rolled down and I-95 or Florida's Turnpike before us, I think I just laughed, finding humor and a compliment in his statement. Four and a half years later, all I can do is gawk at the amount of truth those words held and still do to this day.

A couple of days ago I was researching the Pacific Crest Trail with plans of one day hiking a section of it. Last year I was researching possible trips to Peru in hopes of one day hiking the Inca Trail to Machu Picchu. And a couple of minutes ago, I was discussing plans to climb Mount Kilimanjaro with my friend and college roommate, Kallie. (Do you notice a trend here?)

I don't know when I'll be able to accomplish any of this, but I know I want to accomplish all of it, and with these plans secured on my bucket list, the things I need to do (i.e., get a job with a steady income) just get pushed lower and lower on the list of things I want to do. Now I find myself standing at the intersection of, I Don't Know What to Do.

Recently, my current predicament has me debating the possibility of becoming a waitress opposed to landing an entry-level job in the PR industry. Waitressing would allow me to one day quit the job without the threat of "throwing away my career." (Is there such a thing as a career in waitressing? I apologize if there is.) But with these thoughts, I find myself having to answer to the part of me that wants to have a successful career (an actual career), a 401K (whatever that is), a mortgage (really, I'd simply like to own a house) and the knowledge that I am a functioning adult who positively contributes to society (and pays their taxes; something about taxes seems so adult to me).

How do I do this? How can I mix this sense of stability with my need for adventure? How do people make their passion their career? Which way to should I turn? These are the things I need to know. These are the questions I need answered. This is what they don't teach you in school.

In the time that it's taken me to type up this blog post, save it as a draft and come back to edit it, I've researched volunteer opportunities abroad (volunteering in an orphanage in Nepal sounds like fun, seriously). In the time since my brother and I drove down from Daytona Beach in an airless Buster, I've come to terms with my wanderlust, but I have yet to come to a conclusion of which way to turn...left, right or continue straight ahead. Perhaps it'll take another four and a half years to figure this out. Perhaps it'll take a guy, my Mr. Right, who has a solid plan and a stable career, or maybe, it'll just take me, day-by-day, taking one step after another, turning left or right, but turning whichever way I choose...

Sincerely,

Cybill

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Upon My Death, Follow These Rules

Okay, so this post may be a little morbid in thought, but let's take like PR pros and "spin it," I'm just being proactive. (Selfishly, I also what I micromanage my funeral.)

First things first. You're probably asking yourself, "Cybill, why would you write such a horrific blog post?" To that, I answer with: (One) I've recently envisioned myself in a horrific car accident. (Knock on wood.) I don't know how it ends, as I shut my eyes and shake away the feeling creeping down my spine, but in the event that it's death and this vision becomes reality, I'd like to know I was prepared. (Two) I recently finished Mindy Kaling's book, Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? (And Other Concerns), in which she has a chapter specifying rules for her funeral. I thought I'd take a page — or in this case a chapter — and outline my own funeral. Trust me, I'm doing all of you a favor.

Second things second. As the majority of my friends and everyone in my family don't know about this blog, I'm leaving these rules to be found and executed by the friends in the know. (I hope you ladies accept your mission, otherwise, we're in the shits.)

Rules and Regulations
1. If you're crying, stop. I didn't live a life worthy of tears. No one was able to breathe easy because I lived my life. I'm not being self deprecating, it's a fact that I have accepted. * However, tears are acceptable in private quarters.

2. Food must be present, preferably food that I particularly enjoyed, so don't skimp on the desserts and baked goods. An array of breakfast foods is completely acceptable and I wouldn't mind if my funeral is to be catered by Chick-fil-A.

3. Black attire is not necessary. While it is the historic color of mourning, I don't require you purchase and/wear black. I do, however, require you to be comfortable. It's miserable enough that I'm no longer there, I don't want to add to that burden. **

4. Multiple flower arrangements need not be present. One simple floral arrangement consisting of lavender roses and white hydrangeas will be plenty. I would have enjoyed flowers when I was alive, so y'all missed your chance there.

5. Music that invokes the desire to dance shall be the only music played. Think songs along the lines of Manfred Mann's Do Wah Diddy. I also encourage dancing. I want people who aren't invited to my funeral to wish they were, because it looks like an awesome party. Feel free to invite those people.

6. To the person(s) entrusted to delivery a eulogy, you better do a damn good job, I'll be listening. Please feel free to include humorous stories of my unparalleled wit and fiercely independent spirit. If you can't think of any examples to portray those characteristics, make them up, but make them believable or complete and utter crap that people won't know whether to laugh or be offended. However, I don't want a roast. Roast me and I'll crawl out of my grave to haunt you.

7. The prayer cards to be distributed at my funeral must include the phrase, "Badass chick from the Moulin Rouge" below my name. ***

8. Ex-boyfriends shall be informed of my passing and invited, pending they are in utter grief and regret ending the fight to win back my heart. Invite anyone you deem fit, but make sure they don't celebrate my passing the way you'd celebrate passing an exam.

9. Permission to print and/or distribute these rules and regulations are permitted. Copy and paste them in emails, if you find it necessary. I completely understand, it's probably easier.

10. In the event I do live a fabulous life, get married and have children, these rules and regulations do not apply. Some of them might...check with my lawyer or next of kin or whatever.

Sincerely,

Cybill



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*In the event that I was able to live a life noteworthy of a movie or Nobel Prize, public tears are permitted. Furthermore, these rules and regulations will be considered null and void. Please see updated rules and regulations.
**While I do wish for you to be comfortable, I do suggest people (mostly you, Lamb) wear pants. A dress or a skirt will work as well.
***Please emphasis the sarcasm in this sentiment, as I am fully aware of the occupation held by the "chicks of the Moulin Rouge." 

Good ol' Sibling Rivalry

What is it about the holiday season that reminds you just how much your family can drive you to an extreme state of mental and emotional exhaustion? Yeah, sure, there's the Hallmark aspect, full of love, joy and merriment, but I'm going to call bull if you tell me it's like that all. the. time.

I grew up with an older brother. We were close in age, being only 14 months apart. Naturally, sibling rivalry developed, lines were drawn and there have been plenty of times I didn't hold back in throwing a punch. Finally, we parted ways and packed some miles between us when he moved to college. It was a blessing, seriously. Aside from not having to share a bathroom — Hallelujah! — the pressure to be "better"didn't seem so omnipresent. But now, when he comes home from his hot shot job in Chicago, my status as an unemployed college graduate, living at home is highlighted ever more in the eyes of my parents. God, help me now.

My brother has been home for less than 24 hours and I've already found the desire to stick a fork in my eye, jump off a bridge to a rocky death and hash it out on this blog. Oh, you think I'm kidding...I'm not, that's why I'm on here.

As this holiday season drags on, I can only imagine where my angst will take me. The Christmas party slated for tomorrow is already marked with a red flag as I brace myself for the question I've grown to hate, "What are you doing now," — or any other variation. The sassy side of me will answer, "Just dickin' around," or "Nothing. I'm freeloading," but whether or not that side will attend, is a fate yet unknown. It'll also be a hard fight to keep her from surfacing as I get sassier with increased frustration.

So, call me bitter, call me a Grinch, call me someone who is sick of the comparisons, because I'm over it. I may not have a job (yet) and I sure as heck don't have a retirement plan, but I can do some pretty damn amazing things and I think I'm a pretty kickass person, regardless of your opinions or bank statement.

Sincerely,

Cybill

An Internal Monologue

Have you ever found yourself in a conversation with yourself? Don't make that look like I'm crazy, you know what I'm talking about. One moment you're just walking, minding your own business, probably thinking of things you have to do but don't really want to do, and then, all of a sudden something catches your eye.

"Oh hey, that looks cool," is the line that starts it all.

Then a few minutes later you find yourself internally arguing whether whatever caught your eye is worth the purchase, "It IS on sale..." "Are you even going to use it? You don't need it. What are you going to do with it?" ...and that's how we all end up on a psychiatrist's couch, shelling out dollars of what could go toward our retirement fund. Just kidding...somewhat.

In all seriousness, I'm sure you can recall a time when the rational and level-headed part of your personality was urging your spontaneous, free-spirit not to jump, not to take that leap, not to buy the alarm clock just because it was cute and fuzzy. Odds are, you can also recall a time when you were convinced there was food stuck in your teeth or on the side of your face when you catch a cute stranger looking at you. Then, as if timed perfectly, you scold yourself in your decision to forgo checking yourself out in the mirror, because you don't want to be confused for narcissistic.

We've all been there. We've all done it. We've all talked ourselves out of happiness or an uptake on the confidence meter, however short and fleeting. But why?!

Why do we deny ourselves something that will do no harm and will make us happy? Why do we deny ourselves that small slice of cake? Why do we try to convince ourselves someone is out of our league?

Talking a step back and assessing the situation from the comfort zone of my laptop it's all really silly. We dress up, we show up and we look great! We work out, eat right and deserve that small slice of cake! We work hard, live within our means and one silly, just-because purchase is a small reward, and that's that. Little joys and increases of confidence is good, as along as it's in moderation and we don't let it go to heads, the same way we've let denial and a negative perspective of ourselves get into our hearts.

So the next time you catch the eye a stranger think, "I do look good today," because you look great! And the next time you find yourself debating whether or not to have a small slice of cake, Marie Antoinette that and let them (meaning you) have cake! Let's revolutionize our internal monologue to embrace that happiness that is out there for us and end the fight against ourselves, because as my favorite yoga instructor always said, "Don't fight with your body, because you will loose."

Sincerely,

Cybill

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