There's No Crying in PR

...unless it's the end of the day, you're back in your apartment and alone.

I guess this deserves some explanation.

Friday afternoon was like any other Friday afternoon in the office. Everyone was at their desk, fingers dancing across their keyboard to get what needed to be drafted, delivered and finalized out of their inbox and off of their to-do list to make it out of the office by four o'clock. Four o'clock Fridays were drawing to an end and with only two (including that particular Friday) left, it was a dream to get out as close to four as possible.

So why the tears, you ask?

Well, I had a review that afternoon; and I look forward to reviews like a bug looks forward to the windshield of a car.

Holding back tears while being told I need to "work on my confidence," "be careful about being too creative" and really trying to "own things," I couldn't help but get pulled back to my time in New York.  My family and friends will tell you I was not a happy camper in the big apple. I wasn't even close. I use strong words like "hate" and "disgust" to plainly allude to feelings that have only left a reminisce of my self-esteem in the working world. I had been bent and broken. I had been burned and shredded. Forever scared, with a bitter aftertaste that sits in the back of your throat like an ex-boyfriend's name.

Sitting in that conference room, I was once again "too much" while being "not enough." My edges were sharp, but in the wrong places. My accent marks punctuated the wrong part of the word. My kick of the ball landing it in the wrong goal. My efforts had been too strong in the wrong direction.

While the feedback stems from hopes of improvement, its flower perfumes a smell of disappointment. I left feeling more vulnerable than when I entered, than when I even started. Hunched from the weighted of the "criticism" I came back to my apartment and cried. I cried like that baby I really am, because let's be real...I have no idea what the heck I'm doing.

So what better thing to do then get it all down on this blog. Pour it all out and turn each piece over. One-by-one. Carefully, I'll find the pieces that connect. I'll build my boarder and piece together my picture. I will always be too much for some people. My accent forever a bit off. But I refuse to dull my edges and weaken my efforts. Those will stay as they are and the other parts of me will just learn to be as sharp and as strong, because there is no crying in PR.

Sincerely,

Cybill

{Photo Credit}

And Here We Are Again

I'm still here. I'm still alive. This blog may be on life support, but it's not dead.

These past few weeks have fun-ish a ride. Some ups, definitely some downs and ultimately, I'm standing here, confused as to which direction is the right direction, and whether there is a right direction at all. 

So, I've stayed in Orlando over the weekend a few times now. I've tried that whole "explore where you live" thing. Two evenings in a row, I even went out downtown to check out Orlando's nightlight, and perhaps made a few "friends" (let's use that term loosely). But don't ask me if I'm in love yet (or possibly ever). I may just laugh...out loud and in your face. 

Now, don't get me wrong. Staying in town and going out, having brunch the next day, that was all fun. But, most of the reasons I enjoyed myself was because of the company, and isn't that how it usually goes? One of my closest friends from college was in town and the two of us, along with another girlfriend of ours from college checked out the Orlando nightlight. Short evening short, we ended up calling it a night around midnight. Clearly, we can't hang the way we used to in college. 

Anyways, there's that side of the Orlando life and then there is what takes up most of my time, work. Work has been keeping be busy. It's the reason I get up at the hour I do. The company I have at work is great. Truth be told, if it wasn't for the company and all the fun stuff, it'd definitely make things far more difficult. And I say that with a few things in mind, so here me out...

Day-after-day, we're constantly working to please our clients. It's the nature of the beast. Yet, week-after-week, they don't seem happy with what we're delivering. Can we do more? Perhaps. But do we have the resources? No, we don't. And I'm starting to loose all hope in it and once again, I'm second guessing my "career" choice. 

Is there a reason I should keep on trying to please these people who never seem grateful? Is there even a point to it at the end of the day? What I do, it doesn't make anyone breathe easier. I don't go to bed at night knowing that someone's life is better because of what I did that day and I'm starting to second guess if this what I want to turn into a career?

Ultimately, I know that my answer is No. But until I'm through with this lease on my apartment and I figure out a plan to change things, I guess this is the game to play.

{Photo Credit}

Owning Up

Hi everyone. I know, I know. I'm an awful blogger. Considering my last blog post was April 24 and it's now May 5th (Happy Cinco de Mayo, by the way), it's plain to see that I'm not a frequent flyer on this blog. And while that is true, there's more to the story than that. There's not that much more, though. Truth be told, I'm usually just tired when I get back from work most days and I decide to nap instead of blog. There is also that fact that the hours seem to fly by. Seriously, it's practically 8 p.m. and I feel like I got back to my apartment not too long ago.

Anyways, let's me try to tell you about something interesting! This weekeend, I visited my lovely roommate (college roommate) and friend, Carling! I guess it comes at no surprise that I didn't stick around Orlando. Since I've started working downtown, I've stayed in Orlando once. Yes, you read that correctly, once...and I started working here in March. But that's besides the point...

I spent this past weekend in Jacksonville and it was great! It was nice being with really good friends. There's a level of comfort when getting together with an old friend. They know you and you know them. There is no need to apologize for burping or question whether or not they have something in their closet you can steal; you already know the answer. And, I've realized, living alone...the laughs and simple day-to-day friendship makes a hard day so much better.

While in Jacksonville, I also got to spend some time with my friend, Dan. Now, before you get into thinking the relationship between Dan and I is anything but platonic, let me stop you. Dan and I are friends, and we'll never end up together, despite what a few of my coworkers believe. Aside from that, spending time with Dan and Carling (as well as some of our friends) was great! I actually have friends, despite what it feels like while I'm in Orlando.

That, ladies and gentlemen, was my weekend. Nothing fancy, nothing crazy, but everything I needed this weekend. Time with good friends and good bit of food!

I should probably add the small fact that the large amount of food continued onto today. We had a Cinco de Mayo potluck at work and let me tell you...I wanted nothing more than to crawl under the conference room and nap after lunch. SO. MUCH. FOOD. But really, it was great!

Alrighty, I should probably go...but skip a real dinner. Considering everything I ate, I should just look at food and call it a night. I'll see about getting better about updating...and perhaps living a life worth sharing!

Sincerely,

Cybill 

Back to Blogging & Back to Basics

Hello all! I'm back to blogging. I apologize for not posting since March 10th, but in my defense I've been all over the place and never really anywhere at all. I've been up in the air so much so that I think I'll just take this post to catch everyone up on my life and all of its "struggles." 

Last time I posted, I was currently in the state of homelessness, though I wasn't exactly homeless. I had already started working at the agency in Orlando (which I'm really feeling, by the way) but nailing down an apartment proved to be the hassle of all hassles. I experienced a new level of stress, working, looking at places, contacting my realtor and applying to rent. This was the struggle until I visited the apartment complex a new friend from work called home. 

Stacey and I started working in the agency on the same day with the same role, though on different teams. Unlike myself, Stacey was settled in an apartment and well versed in the lay of the Or-LAND-o (see what I did there?). With some fair warning ("It's an older building..."), I visited her apartment and scheduled a meeting and tour with the property manager Friday morning. Arriving about an hour late to work (all pre-approved by my boss) I finally had a place to live, and a rather large place at that!

Unfortunately, I was unable to move into my apartment that weekend. Due to some delays in paperwork (not all offices like to work during the weekends, forcing people who work during normal business hours to run around with their heads cut off) I didn't move into my apartment until Wednesday afternoon the following week. With the help of my friend, Justin (who moved the one large box I brought with me and couldn't move on my own) I moved into "La Casa de Cybill" (unofficial name). That weekend, my parents drove up from home bringing up a few things, but it got even better. 

It may be an overlooked kitchen appliance, but it's a rude awakening when you realize your new apartment doesn't come with a microwave. Thus, while my parents were in town, a microwave was a high priority on the list. I am proud to say, I am an owner of a microwave! I also have a kitchen table and a chair and a half built — I no longer picnic on the floor.

While my apartment is very empty, I am in no rush to furnish it (though I'd love to have a grey couch to lounge after long days at work). Part of the reason is the simple fact that I can't afford it (it's a hard knock life, yo) and at the same time, part of me fears really setting down roots. If I ain't got nothing, I got nothing holding me back. It's my fear of commitment, fear of missing out and ever present wanderlust. Maybe, as time goes by, I'll settle down with a couch and perhaps paint a wall. It'll limit the room I have to dance around, but this is a good thing, right...? 

If I ain't got nothing, I'm footloose and fancy free.

Sincerely, 

Cybill 

{Picture Credit}